The Outback is a boring piece of shit.

The Outback, or more specifically western New South Wales, is possibly the most depressing place on Earth. Maybe even worse than Chechnya, but then again at least shit actually happens there. Yeah, people die, but I'd even go as far to say that dying in some shell-hole in the middle of Grozny is far more entertaining than spending a week in the Outback. You know, you pretty much know a place is a piece of shit when most of the films made about it involve death and destruction. Think about it; Wolf Creek, Mad Max, Japanese Story, Gallipoli, Wake in Fright. They're all about death or loss or violence or torture or rape or war. Depressing movies made about a depressing place. Holy shit.

I spent a week in Dubbo once. It was the most boring week of my life. Whether it was trying to wade through the swarms of locusts that plagued the town, wandering around the main street and visiting such exotic locations such as Target and the BP or spending a whole day at Western Plains Zoo only for the fucking Cheetah to no-show, Dubbo offered nothing except heat and dust. Oh, and locusts. We had to wash the windscreen off just to see because of all the mashed locusts on it. What a shit hole.

You know, I can't understand people who find the place entertaining. There is NOTHING there. NOTHING! In the middle of the joint is Ayers Rock. Wow. A fucking lump of shit plonked in the middle of fuck all. Yeah, it's big, so what? So is the ocean. You wouldn't plan a vacation to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so don't plan a vacation to stare at a God damn rock. If you want to experience the majestic sight of a big rock, hold a pebble about an inch from your eye. Presto! A big rock. Everyone take a photo of the big rock. Hell, even Dubbo is better than that shit. The only thing that should keep people visiting the big boring rock is that in a million years it will be eroded to nothing because of people walking on it. Then at least the desert wouldn't be ruined by having a big lump of shit in the middle.

Guess what you have to experience on the journey home from the awe-inspiring, edge-of-your-seat, thrilling, ultra-fun rock? I can't explain the magnificence in words so I'll let this picture inspire you:

The Outback: Full of fuck all.

Oh, and don't forget to visit the pants-wetting spectacle that is:

...a fence.

Trust me, it makes sense. When you have a big shit-load of nothingness, you need a fence to separate it. It was probably there to separate the sheep or cattle or something, but they must have evolved a boring-shit detector and got the fuck out of there. They're probably in Sydney now.

Imagine that for 15 hours straight. Throw in maybe a shack and a few kangaroos and you have it. In fact, I can save you some money. Get your car keys. Get into your car. Hold the above picture in front of your face. Do that for 15 hours. You have now experienced the Outback. Oh, and make sure to turn your heater up to the maximum because then you will also get to experience the sauna that is the central Australian heat.

Don't go to the Outback. It's a boring place with nothing going for it. I can't understand why anyone would live out there, unless they're hermits or have a fetish for sitting in the middle of nowhere getting skin cancer. Hell, at least peeling off the sunburn would give you something to do. Screw the Outback.

Twilight: A vampire movie for pussies.

Why the hell are people getting all giddy over Twilight for? It stars Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, possibly the lamest choice for a vampire in the history of film. Even Pattinson is a stupid name. It should be Patterson, you fuck. And what the hell is Edward Cullen meant to be? A vegetarian vampire? A creature with super human powers who goes about killing freakin' deers? Holy shit, what kind of a film is that? He looks like a pale, sickly child who could be defeated solely with an angry stare. The kind of creep you could punch in the face and he would just stand there with a shit-eating pout. I think this picture says it all:

Edward Cullen: Stupidest vampire in history.

Look at the look on him. I've seen more threatening things in a hospice. Oh, and he sparkles. Yes, he fucking sparkles. Holy fucking dumb fuck, what is this shit?

Now look at one of the most awesomest vampires in the history of history. Mr. Barlow from Salem's Lot:

Mr. Barlow: He will ruin your shit.

Now THAT is a vampire. He kills children, he kills childrens parents in front of children, and he pretty much just fucking hates children. Plus he can teleport, turn into a bat and pretty much do whatever the hell he wants. He is scary, he doesn't sparkle, he has super strength, he can open doors with his mind and he looks fucking mean. Jesus, it took like 2 minutes of this fella mashing a stake into his heart until he finally got bored of that shit and died because he couldn't be bothered fucking about anymore.

Could you imagine a movie about these two in a fight? It would be both the best movie ever made, and the shortest. It would start with Mr. Barlow walking up to Edward Cullen and hissing at him. Edward Cullen would then try to hurt Mr. Barlow by sparkling at him, at which point Mr. Barlow would grab him, tear him in two, drink his blood and then wear his skin as a hat. The movie would then end.

Fuck Twilight, if you want a good vampire film rent Salem's Lot. If you're in the mood for some flirty, soft, mushy, sparkly vampire wank, rent Twilight and then go drink some battery acid.

Fuck Cyclists.

I was stuck behind one of these cycling pricks nearly all the way up Parramatta Road the other week. It was the same thing over and over. Pull up to a red light, and watch Mr. Lycra cycle past all the other cars till he got to the front. The light would turn green and everyone would have to slow to a crawl in order to safely get around the prick, then when we came to the next set of lights, Lycra-Fuck would go right to the front again, causing frustration and homicidal tendencies as he went. Why? Why didn't he just wait behind all the other cars like he should? Why slow everyone down in order to be at the front of the line? Because cyclists hate you.

Now I'm not talking about Olympic cyclists, or mountain bikers, or people who ride along suburban streets for some exercise; I'm talking about the holier-than-thou, pious pricks who cycle in the middle of congested roads, a) because they can and b) because they think that getting rid of a combustion engine is tantamount to saving the world. You know the type. They get onto a major road during peak hour, ride just enough inside the lane that you have to overtake them but just far enough outside so that they can cut onto the footpath when they need to run a red light or get onto the footpath. The type that sneers at people who drive "coz it polluts teh atmosfere and u dont need cars an riding makes u more healthy an i care bout teh earth...thaaaaanks". The type that thinks all the world's pollution problems would be solved by people buying a bike. Pretty much the kind of person who thinks they hold the moral high-ground because they pedal instead of pushing the accelerator. Well guess what, bike boy? Nobody gives a fuck.

Not everyone can ride a bike, nor has the time to spare to get changed into ugly, flurescent, skin tight lycra and spend 3 hours cycling a few kilometres. We have shit to do. What about disabled people? People who need to carry shit? People who need to transport other, less mobile people? People who need to commute friggin' long ways and can't rely on public transport? People who need to get groceries? People who don't necessarily think that arriving to work a sweaty, stinking, spluttering mess is appropriate? I think all these people fit under the lable of 'people with shit to do'. Cyclists don't have anything to do. Except masturbate with self-satisfaction over their idiotic campaign to annoy the shit out of people with cars.

It's just the arrogance that annoys me. They don't pay any road taxes, no registration, no number plates which basically makes them anonymous, they hold up traffic for miles, they break rules left,right and centre, they run red lights, and when they encounter a tiny bit of traffic they either ride through all the cars and sideswipe the wing mirrors or mount the footpath and piss pedestrians off to get where they need to go (home to a big cyclist circle-jerk) and then they have the audacity to argue that they have as much right to use the road as we do?! Remember when that guy plowed into that bunch of cyclists? He should be given a fucking medal. I'd never laughed so hard in my life when I read it. You know why? These self-rightous pricks had decided to all get together in a massive biker-swarm, about 30 of them, and take up an entire lane to themselves...in peak hour traffic! They could have done it at 4 in the morning, or even 8 at night, any time when people who HAD TO GET TO WORK weren't on the road. But noooo. It's their right to cycle, and they'll be damned if they think of anyone else. So there they sat, in an entire lane, cycling along at 30 km/h, holding up the traffic. Then Captain Awesome came along and ruined their shit. I think the guy that pulled over next to the squashed swarm and yelled 'buy a car you tight-arses' should also be commended. Just a few less scrounging fucks to deal with.

The Thing is better than your God.

John Carpenter's The Thing is the greatest movie ever made. It starts off slowly, with a spaceship crashing in Antarctica and some Norwegian guys flying a helicopter after a dog trying to murder it. Boring you say? Well I say "frig off". Then, they land the copter, blow it up, get shot by these American researchers and the dog survives. But it isn't a dog. It's an alien. So then all the Yanks are running about when all of a sudden serious shit starts happening. The dog transforms into a weird octopus/bodybuilder thing, then this Bennings guy gets infected and he gets burnt but Blair goes mad. So they lock him up and he starts to build another spaceship coz he's the Thing like, and while this is going on the other Thing's are ruining peoples shit until Macready decides to go mental. He burns all these fella's blood samples and Palmer goes ape-shit and bites Window's head with his own half-head. Macready kills it but it's too late. Blair is nearly finished building his ship. So then Macready, Nauls and Gary try and kill Blair but he has transformed into some seriously creepy monster/mutant. Macready has finally had enough of this shit, and tells it to fuck itself before throwing dynamite at it and pissing off. He does a summersault just before he kills it because he is Macready and he is just that awesome. He destroys the camp and sits down to drink bourbon, then Childs wanders up coz he got lost in the snow storm. Who can he trust? 'Hell if I know. But even if Childs was the Thing it probably wouldn't want to attack Macready considering Macready just served the Thing a healthy portion of fail. Fuck the Thing.

Survivor is a piece of shit.

Survivor was a pretty good show in the first season. Now it's fucking ridiculous. The trend is usually the same throughout all the current redundant reality shows; the premise starts out as interesting and compelling, then with initial success the rabid commercialization begins. The first season of Big Brother was genuinely entertaining. Of course, it wasn't the height of culture but it was fairly decent. Now look at it. The formula nowadays is to find a few guys with six-packs and big pecs, mix together with a few big-titted blondes sans brains, chuck in some alcohol and presto; television that appeals to shaved chimps, aka, 10-17 year old teenagers. Survivor is the same.

How many places can they friggin' go to? Survivor: Micronesia? A nice, warm, secure jungle? Fuck that. It's not fun anymore. The 'contestants' are all the same generic, boring, cookie-cutter fitness freaks plus the one token black guy. It's pretty fucking gay to call a show Survivor if there is no risk of actual death. I think there are some ways to improve Survivor, and make it really live up to it's name:

1. The contestants must have a criminal record. Murder is preferable, but endless violence might get a bit boring after a while (not likely though). Throw in some smarmy, sleazy, slimy tax frauds and con-men. Make it a real game of wits.
2. No more of this tropical paradise shit. I'm sick of the jungle. I wanna see Survivor: Auschwitz or Survivor: Middle of the Pacific Ocean in one life raft. Maybe even Children's Survivor: Catholic Priest's bedroom. Make the contestants actually struggle to survive.
3. Elimination means just that; lots and lots of killing. Fail a task? Send little Johnny a video message, because it's gonna be the last time the ugly shit hears your voice. Bitch.
4. Cannibals. How many movies and myths are ultra awesome because they involve a group of stupid, ignorant westerners marooned on an island full of blood-thirsty savages?
5. Zombies.

I'd watch this show, and I bet you would too. Reality t.v is only shit now because the network executives don't have the balls to make it reflect actual reality. They need more violence, more death, more destruction and more cameras. After all, that's what people really want to see, right?

If you're a young earth creationist, you're a fucking moron.

If you believe the Earth was created 6,000 - 10,000 years ago, then you are a fucking moron. The belief in a young earth genuinely warrants that response, and in all fairness any argument in which someone defends a young earth should be ended like that there and then. It would be perfectly acceptable in a debate in any forum, whether it be on the street or in the halls of Harvard, to call anyone who advocates young earth creation a fucking simpleton and then to walk off in pure disgust, shaking your head in despair at the supreme idiocy of some members of the human virus. To even bother to try and explain and list all the evidence that proves the true age of the earth would be a total waste of time and effort. Why? Young earth creationists don't want to believe the earth is billions of years old, end of.

It doesn't matter what you do, say or present, people, YEC's will never believe you. Pure and simple. End of discussion. No further conjecture needed. The bottom line. Any piece of evidence conceivable, from radio-metric dating of rock and meteorite material to carbon dating of biological fossils to plain ol' common sense will be sneered at and dismissed, thrown onto the pile of neglected proof that will be burned ASAP at a giant evangelical gathering of the half-wits and borderline retards, all presided over by the grand high mongoloid. They will cheer and drool as libraries worth of scientific texts are cast into the furnace. Their erections will bulge as The Origin of Species is lofted into the abyss. Their eyes will glaze over in sheer lust and limitless awe when the Molotov cocktails are hurled into the laboratories. Finally, a lone biologist will be hoisted up onto a burning cross; the simpleton hordes will spit and hiss, their greatest dream only seconds away from fulfillment. The evolutionary sinner will be set alight by Ken Ham and in that instant, a roar will echo throughout the American South; it has begun! The new age of dogma and superstition will be welcomed with rapturous applause. The dark ages will have returned with a vengeance, and all ye who don't believe in the glory of The Lord will be hunted down and tortured; burned, crucified, disemboweled, sawn asunder, stoned, hacked to death and be made to listen to Kent Hovind's lecture series.

Ok, maybe that won't happen. Possible, kind of probable in Alabama, but not likely. The simple truth is this; YEC's have read in the Bible that the Earth is roughly 6,000-10,000 years old, and to them, that is the fucking end of the matter. They do not hold a competing 'theory'. They are not trying to scientifically debate the existing paradigm like Copernicus and Galileo and Einstein did. They do not have a revolutionary new mathematical proof that will shake the foundations of modern physics. They have a book, written by fuck knows who, that has been changed and modified by councils and governments over the last 2000 years and that is it. It's true, and you're gonna fucking die in horrible pain if you don't believe it.

Young earth creationism is not a competing theory, it is a joke. It's even worse than the flat earth movement. In fact, YEC is so ridiculous, that belief in it should be a prerequisite for determining if someone is legally retarded. If someone tries to plead insanity in court, ask them if they believe in a young earth. If they respond in the affirmative then it's off to Arkham Asylum for a few decades. If someone wants to get into University, or high school for that matter, then belief in a young earth should prevent them from doing so. Want to have a kid? Sorry mate, you believe in a young earth, so it is our moral duty to stop you from polluting the gene pool with your mongoloid loins. Hell, want to buy a car? Bad luck pal, how are we to know that an idiot such as yourself can contemplate the difference between the brake and the accelerator? In fact, the belief in such a mind-numbingly stupid concept should be automatic grounds for forfeiture of life. The cost of a few million bullets or a few thousand gallons of Zyklon-B is minuscule when compared to the survival of reason and intelligence.

I hereby swear to never debate with a young earth creationist EVER. Neither should you. If you ever meet someone who believes in that tripe, politely tell them to eat rat poison, then to wash it down with battery acid, and then to partake in some after-dinner razors. Kick them swiftly in the bollocks, and then go and bash your head against a brick wall wrapped in barbed wire, praying and praying to the invisible man in the sky that he will mercifully render you unconscious, leaving you with no memory of the sphincter-clenchingly woeful idiocy you have just encountered. If by some miracle you still remember the awful encounter, be prepared to choke down a nice, healthy serving of cold, hard lead. An honourable death is preferable to 5 minutes of pointless debate which only serves to confirm in the creationists' mind that they are in possession of a theory that is worthy of serious discussion.

Or maybe just don't go to America.

Dear, oh dear Mr. Ponting.

Well, well, well. Looks like India have won back the Border-Gavaskar Trophy in fitting style. Doesn't feel very nice, does it Mr. Ponting?

To be honest, I had a feeling India would win it back. With Symonds out, Watson under-performing and the lack of a decent spin attack on the Indian wickets (barring Krejza), India had a pretty good chance from the outset. Winning the tosses of course was crucial, as was getting quick, early wickets and then dealing with the middle order batsmen. But I think Dhoni's outstanding late captaincy, his ability to run against the grain and put in unorthodox bowling attacks and his brilliant stands with Bhajji really unnerved the Aussie's. A well deserved victory.

Now why do I take India's side over the Australians? I, after all, live and pretty much grew up in Oz. Firstly, I'm part Indian myself, and munch curry like there's no tomorrow. Secondly, I just don't like the Australian team. Their world wide reputation of being arrogant, smarmy, smug and pretty much against everything cricket stands for is a pretty accurate description of the current Australian team. I think Lee is magnificent and a real decent bloke, same goes for Johnson and it's too early to tell with Krejza, but the rest of them can get fucked. I used to have a bit of respect for Gilchrist, due to him being the only Aussie that would walk, but even he showed his true colours towards the end of his career. And now with the stupid book he is flogging, filling it up with undeserved slurs and attacks on cricketers of the highest caliber, he has finally revealed his true character. Ponting should be ashamed of his conduct, as should Symonds and Hayden. They just don't play in the way that my favourite cricketers play; with character.

It's going to be tricky when India plays England; the country of my heritage versus my country of birth. But for some reason I'm leaning towards India. Why? I like the Indian team! I think they put out entertaining, highly talented players who show enormous potential and great character. Bhajji is a star, Sharma will be the next top notch paceman, Mishra can only get better, Dhoni has shown what it takes to be a great captain and Sehwag is in a class of his own. But aside from that, I think it's Englands attitude that annoys me the most. I really do like to watch England win, and I really do want to support them, but it's difficult to have respect for a team that is so unbelievably inconsistant and who's confidence is shattered whenever they lose a few early wickets. It's depressing to watch the infamous England collapse.

Anyway I'll have to decide that when they play each other. What I'm more interested in now is watching Ricky try and squirm his way out of the media's backlash against his decision to bowl part-timers in order to speed up the over rate. Should be fun!