Twilight: A vampire movie for pussies.

Why the hell are people getting all giddy over Twilight for? It stars Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, possibly the lamest choice for a vampire in the history of film. Even Pattinson is a stupid name. It should be Patterson, you fuck. And what the hell is Edward Cullen meant to be? A vegetarian vampire? A creature with super human powers who goes about killing freakin' deers? Holy shit, what kind of a film is that? He looks like a pale, sickly child who could be defeated solely with an angry stare. The kind of creep you could punch in the face and he would just stand there with a shit-eating pout. I think this picture says it all:

Edward Cullen: Stupidest vampire in history.

Look at the look on him. I've seen more threatening things in a hospice. Oh, and he sparkles. Yes, he fucking sparkles. Holy fucking dumb fuck, what is this shit?

Now look at one of the most awesomest vampires in the history of history. Mr. Barlow from Salem's Lot:

Mr. Barlow: He will ruin your shit.

Now THAT is a vampire. He kills children, he kills childrens parents in front of children, and he pretty much just fucking hates children. Plus he can teleport, turn into a bat and pretty much do whatever the hell he wants. He is scary, he doesn't sparkle, he has super strength, he can open doors with his mind and he looks fucking mean. Jesus, it took like 2 minutes of this fella mashing a stake into his heart until he finally got bored of that shit and died because he couldn't be bothered fucking about anymore.

Could you imagine a movie about these two in a fight? It would be both the best movie ever made, and the shortest. It would start with Mr. Barlow walking up to Edward Cullen and hissing at him. Edward Cullen would then try to hurt Mr. Barlow by sparkling at him, at which point Mr. Barlow would grab him, tear him in two, drink his blood and then wear his skin as a hat. The movie would then end.

Fuck Twilight, if you want a good vampire film rent Salem's Lot. If you're in the mood for some flirty, soft, mushy, sparkly vampire wank, rent Twilight and then go drink some battery acid.